Description
A Field Guide to the American Witch
Every old woman with a wrinkled face, a furrowed brow, a hairy lip, a gobber tooth, a squint eye, a squeaking voice or scolding tongue, having a rugged coat on her back, a skull-cap on her head, a spindle in her hand and a dog or cat by her side, is not only suspect but pronounced for a witch.
—John Gaule, seventeenth-century clergyman
Witches—what’s their deal, anyway? What do they want, and why do they want it? How can you recognize one? And what the holy heck is a teat? Do we really even want to know?
If you think you’ve got a witch on your hands—well, first of all, good luck. But this quick guide may help you identify your American witch and provide some insider details that will come in handy as you read the rest of this book. Even if you’re pretty certain you’ll never meet a witch, it won’t hurt to be prepared—after all, this is America, where anything is possible. And because sniffing out the American witch is the culmination of centuries of European witch detection and persecution, it’s really frighteningly easy.
Meet the American Witch
You’ll be happy to know that in America, the devil is an equal-opportunity employer. While it’s traditional to refer to witches with feminine pronouns, the American witch can be, and often is, a man. A witch can also be a dog or a pig or … well, we’ll get into all that later. Suffice it to say, America can feel good about diversity when it comes to witches.
And just what is a witch? Traditionally, a witch is someone who has made a pact with the devil. We may think of becoming a witch as an aspiration for power-hungry sociopath types, but in fact, it’s often the more vulnerable members of society who are most tempted by the devil’s promises. Fed up with being the lowly laundress for a family that hasn’t bathed since last winter? Sick and tired of lying awake at night waiting for a band of angry Indians to come howling out of the woods behind your house? Good news! A deal with the devil can give you much-needed peace of mind. A witch may also be promised other tempting stuff: nice clothes, plenty of money, not starving to death. What the witch is actually going to get, however, is a small plot of land in Hell. The witch’s job description, as prepared by the devil’s human resources minions, consists largely of trying to recruit other witches to assist the devil in overthrowing God.
What a Witch Wants, What a Witch Needs
Once she has taken the plunge and signed a pact with the devil, just what does a witch want from you? When it comes to you, the American witch generally wants one of two things: recruitment or revenge. What she does not want: your ruby slippers.
At the top of the newly minted witch’s to-do list: getting you to sign “The Book.” What is The Book? Those who have seen it describe it as a thick, heavy ledger of sorts, where unspeakable covenants were spelled out in red, and where vulnerable souls were invited to literally sign their lives away. The Book is an official document straight from the devil, and when you sign it, that’s it. It’s a bit like signing a student loan document, or a cell phone contract: you’re pretty much committed forever. It’s not so much the witch herself who wants you to sign up; it’s just that she’s got this quota to fill for the Big Guy, or, you know, else.
Occasionally, the devil will appear in person, book in hand, and this is where the really good offers can come in. He wants to make you an offer you can’t refuse; he’ll “take care of you,” if you know what he means. You’ll be in the family, he says. Case in point: accused Salem witch, Abigail Hobbs. The twenty-two-year-old Abigail was the subject of much whispering by local busybodies, and what of it? A girl just wanted to have a little fun, even if it was a Puritan village in the 1600s. And that was where the devil seized the opportunity to approach her in the woods (a favorite hangout spot for both the devil and Abigail, according to Salem tales) and tempt her. “He said he would give me fine things,” Abigail reported; this was followed up by offers of fine clothes—which, Abigail complained, she never received.
Revenge is another matter entirely. Now that she’s got preternatural powers, a witch might as well enjoy them, right? So if your nemesis has become a witch, expect payback. This will most likely be in the form of something really crummy happening to your hogs, but, if the witch is really a jerk, it could be happening to your kid instead. There are, as we’ll see, many forms of witch revenge, ranging from the mundane (You know that bread you like to bake? Well, it’s totally not going to turn out very good.) to the terrible (You didn’t really want all those kids anyway, did you?).
A New World of Witches
In many ways, the American witch—in particular the colonial witch—is a whole different breed from her cousins in the Old World. The American witch seems to spend a lot more time bewitching people, animals, and inanimate objects than the European witch. Witches in the Old World were much more concerned with having lascivious parties, eating babies, and doing unspeakable things with/to Satan, while, for the most part, the American witch, spawn of a Puritan community, confined her scandalous behavior to stuff like suckling her familiar during church services.
Identifying the American Witch
It was discovered pretty early on that one of the most entertaining—er, efficient—ways of finding out if someone was a witch was to strip her and give her a good looking-over. This type of thorough search quickly revealed any incriminating witch’s marks, teats, or other blemishes that (if you wanted them to) could confirm that you had a witch on your hands.
Teats are the most notorious physical hallmark of the American witch, and they’re pretty much exactly what you’re thinking they are, except smaller, less photogenic, and in unlikely places. And guess what, men? You, too, can have witch teats! You’re welcome.
The purpose of a teat is to enable a witch to suckle a devil’s familiar, and most often it’s said that the creature is sucking blood, not milk, from its witch. Teats can turn up anywhere on a witch’s body; one Salem witch was seen suckling a familiar from a teat between her fingers, and a male witch was seen suckling a familiar from a teat underneath his tongue (in church, no less!). But the most common place to find a teat (or at least the most common place to look for one) was in the witch’s most private areas. For example, according to Salem-era court records, a free-for-all on the body of accused witch Bridget Bishop located a “preternatural excrescence of flesh between the pudendum and anus much like teats and not usual in women.”
A witch mark, also called a devil’s mark, is sometimes used to describe a teat, but it can also be something different entirely. Basically, any unusual mark on the skin—be it scar, pimple, wart, bruise, bug bite, birthmark, or something you just kind of think that you might see if you squint just right—can be a witch mark if you want it to be.
Frenchman Nicolas Remy, a respected advisor to the royal court and a go-to authority on witches in the sixteenth century, provides some useful background on witch marks. In his Demonolatry, a sinister 1595 textbook that was used as a handy how-to guide (as in “how to tell who’s a witch so you can kill her” guide), the historian, lawyer, poet, and demonologist explains, “It is not enough for Demons to hold Men bound and fettered by a verbal oath: but they furthermore mark them with their talons as an enduring witness of the servitude to which they have subjected them.” When examining a witch mark, Remy notes, it’s important to keep in mind that it will be “entirely insensitive and devoid of feeling.” So poke away—the sharper the object, the better!
“Ducking,” also called “dunking” and sometimes termed “swimming,” is one of the most picturesque ways of identifying a witch. Ducking a witch didn’t usually involve those elaborate contraptions depicted in European artwork; American witch detection is much more efficient (or maybe lazy). It was found that simply tying your suspected witch hand to foot and then tossing her into the nearest body of water worked just as well as a fancy machine. And what are you looking for when you employ witch ducking? It’s simple: if your suspect is really a witch, she will float, despite being bound, and you can save yourself the trouble of having a trial and get right to the good stuff: planning a hanging. (But now you’ve got an angry, wet witch on your hands, so, well—good luck with that one.) And if your accused witch isn’t really a witch? She’ll sink like a normal person and drown. Done! Now, wasn’t that easy?
Witch Words
Aside from teats (you just can’t say that word too many times), witch marks, and witch ducking, there are a few other terms you need to know when it comes to discussing the American witch. Here is a quick rundown of some of the most important words and phrases you’re likely to encounter:
Familiars. They may look familiar, but don’t get the wrong idea; these close associates of witches are imps sent by the devil from the depths of Hell to assist witches in their mayhem. After all, a witch can’t do it all, can she? Sometimes she has to delegate. That’s where familiars come in. No time to terrorize that annoying neighbor yourself? Dispatch your familiar in the form of a foul-tempered hog to chase him into his house! Want to freak out that lady from church who’s always super judgey? Send in your menacing black cat familiar to jump onto her bed in the middle of the night! Familiars can appear in the form of virtually any creature, but cats, dogs, birds, swine, turtles, and toads are favorites. Unfortunately, familiars usually seem to be ravenously hungry; this is where the teats of a witch come in. Familiars require a lot of suckling—a lot of suckling—of the blood of their favorite witch.
Goody or Goodwife. You will often hear witches referred to as “Goody Cole,” “Goodwife Jones,” etc. In colonial America, as in England, these terms were not witch-specific. They were similar to using “Mrs.” except with more class consciousness. Someone who was called “Goodwife” was not a member of nobility, but they weren’t (necessarily) white trash, either. And “Goody” was simply a variation of “Goodwife,” although sometimes it was used as a more casual title. We can safely assume that when one was addressing a witch, “Goodwife” or “Goody” was probably said with a sarcastic sneer.
Maleficium. This is a fancy Latin name, usually reserved for court proceedings and official documents, for witchcraft that is used to inflict physical harm.
Poppets. These primitive, doll-like objects work on pretty much the same principle as the better-known voodoo doll; the difference is that a poppet is often merely a piece of wax, a knotted rag, or some other rough stand-in for the person the witch wishes to harm. These will often be found hidden around an accused witch’s home; for instance, that rolled-up rag stuffed into the witch’s window sash that she says is meant to keep out drafts? That is totally a poppet. Believe it.
Witch cake. Even witches don’t want to eat a witch cake. The witch cake’s fifteen minutes of fame came at the onset of the Salem witch craze, when Tituba, the West Indian (or African, or Native American, depending on which version of events you believe) slave of a local minister baked a cake made of rye flour and the urine of the little girls who were thought to be bewitched. Tituba was accused of witchcraft for making the cake, since doing so was considered a form of magic. But witch cakes were a European folk magic practice, and, sure enough, a white neighbor admitted having instructed Tituba on how to make the witch cake. The belief was that when this cake was fed to a dog, the dog would reveal the identity of the witch, presumably by vomiting at his or her feet.
And on that note, we’re as ready as we’ll ever be. Let’s step back in time and discover some American witches.